Holidays bring family together — and sometimes uncomfortable topics that raise tension at the table. Political views, career choices, relationships or money can quickly turn a meal sour. Samantha Quigneaux, a licensed marriage and family therapist and National Director of Family Therapy Services at Newport Healthcare, offers practical steps to keep conversations from escalating and protect your emotional wellbeing.
Pause and breathe
The simplest first move is to take a deep breath. Pausing helps you respond instead of react. That brief grounding moment gives you space to decide whether you want to engage or to step away.
Decide ahead of time
If you expect certain topics to come up, plan ahead. Identify conversations you’re willing to have and those you want to avoid. Having a clear sense of your limits makes it easier to act calmly when a sensitive topic appears.
Set gentle, firm boundaries
You don’t need a dramatic confrontation. Boundaries can be stated warmly and briefly: acknowledge the other person’s feelings, then redirect. For example: I know this matters to you, but I don’t want to discuss it today. Can we talk about something else? A short, compassionate refusal is often the most effective.
Use scripts and exits
Prepare a few neutral phrases you can use in the moment — and a graceful exit plan if needed. Examples include changing the subject, calling for dessert or offering to continue the discussion later, one-on-one. Practicing these lines beforehand reduces the pressure to improvise during the heat of the moment.
Stay present to quiet anxiety
Many people replay worst-case scenarios before they arrive, which multiplies suffering. Instead, focus on one step at a time. When anxiety rises, bring yourself back to the present: notice your breath, your posture, the room. Grounding in the present moment prevents the mind from spinning into imagined conflicts.
Prioritize self-care and limits
Know your emotional capacity and protect it. If a conversation repeatedly crosses your boundary, it’s okay to step away, take a walk, or leave the gathering. Self-care isn’t selfish — it’s necessary to keep relationships intact.
Be curious rather than combative
If you do choose to engage, try curious questions rather than oppositional statements. Asking someone to explain their view can de-escalate defensiveness and open a more respectful exchange.
One small step at a time
You can’t control everything that happens, but you can control your responses. Take a breath, stay present, use prepared boundaries and scripts, and prioritize your wellbeing. Those small actions can turn a potentially tense holiday into a calmer, more enjoyable gathering.
Samantha Quigneaux’s advice is practical and human: respond with intention, protect your limits, and treat conversations with warmth. Happy holidays, and take care of yourself.